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about an hour ago by ~SuperFish57:iconSuperFish57:



First I am here with the cool white white walls
And the cold hard floor running down the halls
Where the dust bunnies grow
And where time, slugs, by, slow
And finally I am set free

Now my feet hit the ground with a patter pat
I keep the sunglasses on, and my hat
And my loud headphones sound
As my feet hit the ground
And I am as small as can be

I duck and I weave through the massive waves
Of the massive stampede, vacant as slaves
I somehow find my way
To a sunnyish day
Where the thick air clings fast to me

The asphalt is hard on soul(s of my feet,)
It’s useless to wearily wave and greet
I quick jump past a car
But my mind is not far
(Though nobody else would agree.)

Suddenly, I think of a place I know
It’s just past where the asphalt flowers grow
And I set a due course
With determin’ed force
I walk with a new kind of glee

And my path it grows longer and still longer more
As the traffic gets louder, there’s cars by the score
I turn up my tune
In late afternoon
And away from it I try to flee
And The houses, the bigger and bigger they get
And how the hot summer air is making me sweat
‘Till finally, there!
I stop and I stare
The water shines almost like the sea

My backpack slides off,
and my headphones
they drop
And I fall on the
soft
cool
wet
grass
with a flop
and the summer breeze blows
I listen, it knows
It whispers soft,
relax,
it tells me.

My feet are removed from my toasted hot shoes
And my socks come off too, I just can’t refuse
The grass
And the skies
And the water
And flies
And soon I feel part of the trees

The birds I can hear them calling to and fro
And it seems like a tune that I used to know
And the tiniest bugs
Welcome me with their hugs
And I listen in silence and see

And I breathe
  With the wind
And I sigh
  With a wave
And I smile
   With the grass at the way I behave.
And I feel like just maybe
   I can almost hear
The daffodils talking
   Their voices are near
I had almost forgotten
   How they love to chat
And a ladybug takes up
   Some space in my hat
And my hair finds some twigs
   And they greet and intwine
And I think of a loving hand
   Held tight in mine
©2006-2009 ~SuperFish57
:iconsuperfish57:

Author's Comments

about an hour ago I... well, it's kind of obvious when you read it, so nevermind.

I've been learning more about scansion and content and rhythms and stuff. AP English tests I guess did something, cuz I think it might have come out here. I dunno.

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:iconmoonsung-reverie:
I'm not quite sure how the first part is supposed to go...you seem to change to a different style at the end.
That's...the only thing I can think of to critique
The images, the wording, you get me to Experience it as I read it. Superbly done! I can't even quote you my favorite part, because it's all just...yeah, too wonderful to say "I like this line best", cause that would lead to "well...and this one....and this one....and these 40 odd others...and..." yeah, ALL OF IT!!!

--
"Love is so powerful, it's like unseen flowers under your feet as you walk." --Bessie Head, A Question of Power
:iconsuperfish57:
I meant it to change.
the first part I went back and structured to the point where the number of syllables was more important than the cadence. (structure, perimeters, supression, etc.)
the second part I kind of let rhyme as it went. (natural, free, etc.)
I was going for artsy. It probably came accross as confusing and pretentious. (oh well.) =)

--
"Life is a tragedy in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." -Charles Chaplin
:iconmoonsung-reverie:
nono, I like it a lot, I just tripped a bit in the first part (mentally: *skipping* la LA la la la laoh!! *thud* *mutters* crap. Okay, da DAH da Dah, dah ooooh!! Okay, okay, I can do it now!)

--
"Love is so powerful, it's like unseen flowers under your feet as you walk." --Bessie Head, A Question of Power

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May 3, 2006
2.8 KB

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